Tuesday, February 17, 2015

9 Ways Having Kids is Just Like Being In College

1. You may wake up the next day with a cute boy or girl in your bed and have no idea how they got there.

If your kids are like mine, they become these nighttime ninjas, preying on us when we are in our weakest state, namely when my contacts are out and I can't decipher whether our obese cat just climbed into bed with us or a small child. I only confirm that it is a child in the morning when I either wake up and find the little head next to me or see all the pictures my wife took of me sleeping on my phone. That's not creepy at all. 

2. Say goodbye to sex because your roommates are ALWAYS home.

When it comes to parental fun time, you really need to know when you window of opportunity opens up so you can seize the day. Well, seize something but not really the day. Buy locks for your doors to keep them out because the mental scarring you can incur is pretty damaging once they find out that you and mommy aren't really wrestling behind closed doors. 

3. Your roommates constantly have the MUNCHIES and if you don't hide the good food, they will eat it all.

It helps when you are 6'7" and your minions are well below the height limit for the high shelf cookies. If they do indeed spot the cookies you just say "These aren't the cookies you are looking for" and wave your hand. If that doesn't work, this is also a good time to do the detachable thumb trick or you can "accidentally" drop a dollar on the floor. 

4. You'll be cleaning pee and puke out of beds for years

If you have ever answered the late night call of Daddy! or Mommy! in the middle of the night for bodily fluids involuntarily making their way into your children's beds, you can identify with all those times your roommates got so pissed drunk that they permanently ruined their dorm room bed. I had a roommate in college who used to just roll to the side and go right in a garbage can like no big deal. With kids, we just aren't going to be that lucky. Amateurs. 

5. You're going to do a whole lot of embarrassing things to get laughs

Instead of you streaking the quad, you'll probably be chasing the urchins around just trying to get them to wear underwear half the time. Let's face it, we will do a lot of crazy things for our kids especially when they want to play hair salon and you don't have any hair. Think of all the stupid things you did with your friends that seemed funny at the time. The same goes for kids only you don't have to be drunk for it to happen. Instead, enjoy the natural high from their laughter.

6. There will be lots of drinking happening, especially at parties.

Birthday parties for kids are the worst that's why most sane people go somewhere that you pay them lots of money to have teenagers handle them for three hours while they throw pizza at them in between. Spend any time at a child's birthday party with ten screaming boys and girls and you'll be wondering where the nearest bar is and cursing yourself for leaving that flask you got at your friend's bachelor party at home.

7. Lots and lots of cramming

Trying to force knowledge into your brain in short window of time was not that effective. With your kids, it will come in the form of hugs. Lots and lots of hugs. Finally, a form of cramming that I can get behind.

8. Your house is going to be constantly trashed

Like your college roommate who would drink milk from the container and would let the dishes pile up in the sink until they grew mold when it was his turn, kids are messy. Instead of cleaning up red Solo cups and beer cans, it will be every toy they own. They have the ability, like reverse locusts, to take everything out in one room to destroy it before moving onto the next. They may have so many stuffed animals in their bed that E.T. might be in there and you may not notice.

9. You'll be hitting the books pretty hard 

Okay, many books you had in college probably weren't actually opened until the day before the test. Not me, mom and dad, I swear! In some cases, you probably sold the book back to the bookstore and they gave you three dollars for a $150 textbook they discontinued the next year. But reading with your kids is going to be the best investment you can ever make when spending time with them with a much better return.

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  1. Sweet post, Chris. The pics are great. I especially love the one with the ice cream face.

  2. you forgot the most obvious similarity between kids and college: the expense!

  3. Nice information is shared with this blog, education is vital source....
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