Tuesday, May 13, 2014

We Hate You Too, Single Traveller

As summer rolls around families are travelling more and airports are about to get more crowded. Here is my message to those annoyed single travellers that hate us so much. Guess what? We don't like you either.

We get that you don't like screaming babies on a plane. We know you are uncomfortable when our kids are kicking the back of your chair. We probably would rather be waterboarded then navigate through airport security with three unpredictable kids. Have you ever tried to juggle chainsaws? I have.  That's what it is like when travelling with small kids.

We know you are fast with your shoes off and your laptop out. You probably didn't wear a belt either or have it in your laptop case so you can put on when you get to the other side. I'm just trying to not give security a reason to pat me down while I am trying to remember those rules about liquids and if the breastmilk I left in the bottle from yesterday is going to be determined as a banned substance. I try to engage those oh so cheerful TSA employees with a smile because we truly don't know if we will make it to the other side. "Papers! Papers please." Move along. No plane for you!

If we just looked like we stumbled out of the jungle on an episode of Lost it is because we are slowly playing how this will go in our head which is much different than it will actually go. Up until now, we have kept this mayhem contained to a minivan for our last few family trips but our parental sanity was at it's tipping point, so we decided to share the joy with you.

You're fast. Good for you. But, you're only responsible for one person, and if you can't handle that you probably shouldn't be flying on an airplane. I have three other people to worry about. Three people that seem to you, could be terrorists the way they are behaving before going through security.

You're a seasoned traveller. Yay! My kids have been on a plane three times in their entire life, one of which they rode on their way to see a giant mouse who is good at spending your money. Anything compared to that, is going to be a letdown unless of course they are going to Grandma's house which you will probably hear all about in the next few hours.There will be a quiz after the flight, so pay attention. My kids also probably just told you our address, phone number, and the color boxers I am wearing today so I look forward to your next pen pal letter.

Just remember, you can watch a three hour full feature film and they have the attention span of gnats. The only way I can get them to sit still is to put Frozen on repeat which is what I am saving for the plane. You'll thank me later though you may be singing Let It Go in your sleep tonight. I know you are probably rolling your eyes at this point. I can hear them turning behind me while I check my pockets for the fiftieth time though I know there are no keys in them because I have 23 plastic tubs full of our crap on this conveyor belt.

I know that you don't get it. You probably only have dogs and are mumbling something about dogs listening more but if your dog has ever crapped on the rug or ripped up your favorite pillow you should know exactly how I am feeling. Sometimes herding kids is like herding cats, it just can't be done. Kids, like cats, just don't give a crap what you are saying unless there is food involved. The power of Goldfish is immeasurable.

You will probably take the exit row even though you are five foot nothing and the emergency door weighs more than you. I will watch this unfold as I am lugging the backpack carrying a full Recaro car seat onto the plane like an insane sherpa with a death wish for my back.  Make sure you duck while I am passing by, I really can't control where that diaper bag is headed, let alone see it.

If you can speed it up in the aisle, that would be helpful. You're built for speed and I am a lumbering 6'7" bull in a china shop ; if only that china shop were made of low ceilings and zero leg room. I am so looking forward to cramming my legs in behind your seat so you can full recline into my kneecaps the moment the plane takes off.

Don't worry, I'm not sitting next to you. I wouldn't want to bother you trying to knock out the presentation before you get to your hotel and God forbid I interrupt your viewing The Wolf of Wall Street which is constantly flashing tits to my nine year old son while you drink that $12 can of beer. I'm scanning the plane for a mom or grandma whose kids have grown up who will look forward to talking about all their stats. She might be craning her neck to see what kids just got on the plane. There! That one pulling pictures out of her pocketbook, she is all mine.

So, if our sippy cup rolls under your seat or a meltdown ensues because our blue crayon is missing, just keep in mind that your constant sighing really makes us want to punch you in the throat instead of politely apologizing. We really can't help it when our 9 month old is screaming because you can't explain cabin pressure to her tiny brain. Remember that hangover you had in Vegas where it felt like your head was going to explode? My baby is feeling like that and she just may have crapped herself so be glad my wife can change a poopy diaper in her lap, otherwise that aroma might be flying with us for the next two hours.

Do us all a favor and put your headphones on and try to ignore us. I'm not apologizing for being crammed in a giant metal tube at 30,000 feet with nowhere to go. This two hours in this bird is blissful compared to the every hour potty breaks and the barrage of "Are we there yets?" If you insist on staring me down prepare for the greatest battle of look away, as I have made my kids cry with just a look.

I look forward to you beelining it for the exit while I play scavenger hunt with our belongings. If you want to redeem yourself, turn and tell the closest parents that they did a great job, that you don't know how we do it. You just might upgrade yourself from first class a-hole to a regular guy.

If not, it's been real. This is goodbye. I won't see you at the baggage carousel because by the time I get there you will be at the hotel bar.  And tonight, while you are tucking in to the mini bar, I will be tucking in three beautiful kids who are excited about vacation. So enjoy your trip and if you didn't tell me nice job, I hope we got the room right next to you. Your wake up call is scheduled for 6 AM.


  1. I want to quote the brilliant parts but the whole thing is brilliant parts. Funny, but not funny. But funny. I used to be the guy that thought you should keep your kids at home, although I was never a dick about it.now I have kids and bi-coastal fam. Neff said

  2. As a dad that travels regularly, I feel like I have a lot of patience (and noise cancelling headphones) so I don't complain much. Although I will say pretty much any flight in or out of Orlando is a nightmare. It's the only regular flight I have that is dominated with jacked up crazy kids on the way in and overtired, cranky ones on the way out.

  3. I'm so stressed now my shoulders are up around my ears. I'm cancelling our family summer vacation. I can't take the pressure.