Saturday, August 4, 2012

Passing down vital information

What I pass on to my kids is going to be vital information for them to survive in this world. Heidi, who is only 19 months can operate a smartphone...sort of. She is learning how to manipulate an iPad through my favorite app to keep her busy...iMommy where you get a baby and can take care of it by clicking or dragging special parts on screen. Learning this new technology is fine and good but what I want to pass on to my kids more than anything is how to replace the toilet paper...correctly.

I want to ensure that they are not going to backwards roll. If they want to fold the corners like Merry Maids was just at my house then that would be an added bonus but there is nothing worse than doing your business than to discover that the kids left you high and dry without sparing a square. Luckily, I have the wingspan of an American Condor and was able to procure a roll from the vanity without leaving my nest.

Bathroom etiquette seems to be a good place to start. Just the other day while taking Adam to the bathroom while on vacation he encountered his first full length urinal to which he replied "WOW! Fancy!" Yet, he still stood dangerously far away from an apparatus that can't really fail you. It made me realize that just maybe I need to revisit this whole peeing like a man thing. I wonder what he would think if I took him to a Cubs game. Ew. Luckily I am a Sox fan, because peeing in a trough while rubbing elbows with the guy next to you who has been drinking Old Style since 12 noon is just not the kind of bathroom experience I want to expose him to. His grandfather has already showed him up in the Adirondacks how to pee like a man in the woods, his favorite spots, and peeing off the dock which was in itself a Kodak moment.

I didn't potty train him myself but maybe this is my opportunity to impart some man knowledge on him about the bathroom. It can be a dicey place sometimes and some of it I don't even understand like why old guys have to hold onto the wall or how some guy could go no hands at all! I must teach him about urinal buffer zones, spacing and when a conversation is appropriate and when you should just stare straight ahead. I need to teach him about the two shakes rule and why sometimes there are urinal cakes or sometimes ice.

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