The Toyphoon

If you have kids you have probably tried to quietly sneak into their room to retrieve something only to be surprised by having your foot impaled by a stray Lego. Barbies and My Little Ponies aren't soft either and given the right conditions an adult can be felled pretty easily. We've see all kinds of natural disasters in our house. Poop bombs, Deluges of urine, Projectile vomiting. However, there is one more sinister phenomena that scares me the most. The Toyphoon.

A toyphoon is that thing that happens when your kids start playing. They don't focus on one thing and play with that until they tire and return it from whence it came. They move on, like locusts and spread the toys near and far. The toys themselves become their own entity spreading throughout the house.

There is no shelter from a toyphoon and while you can try and battle it by putting things away while they play it will only be replaced by something else. I've tried to wait out a toyphoon with limited success. Sometimes with threee kids in the house I witness the perfect storm and you will find me huddled on the couch hiding behind my iPad. I have seen what tornadoes and hurricanes can do to homes and this is no different. Only a toyphoon creates mass destruction INSIDE your home.

The best way to avoid the toyphoon? Purge the unnecessary toys that your kids don't play with. This is hard for me because A) I am a pack rat. I think, "Hey, they might want to do this with this toy" but, they never do. And, B) Heidi has all hand me down toys and I leave things in there that the first two never played with hoping that when I go to sleep at night the toys are actually talking to each other saying "Man, that dad character is awesome. I finally got my shot today!"

I know this is not true and that I need to simplify but at the end of the day I need a Dyson toy vacuum to pick them all up. I'm 6'7" so picking up toys is not exactly my forte. You may ask "Why don't you have the kids do it?" I do. Sometimes. But the way they put things away is a variation of the toyphoon. Just today I asked Sarah to pick up some goldfish that were still un-crunched from the carpet. She picked them up alright but then proceeded to throw them behind the couch! What is this? I said "We don't live in a Ground Round!"

Unusual Punishment

Heidi is strong willed. She is after all, 18 months and believes that she is actually 3 and can do whatever she wants. When she doesn't get her way she goes up to something hard and headbutts it with her head. Then she looks at me and says "Ow" like I am supposed to feel sorry for her and console her. Much to her dismay, I just laugh. I hope that that is not wrong. Don't get me wrong, it's not maniacal laughter or the kind that would make other moms shy away from me at the playground but I am trying to send a message to Heidi that this type of behavior is just not going to get Daddy to turn to her will. She also likes to hit herself in the mirror which is a little weird. I am hoping she is going to outgrow baby fight club.

I am sure all of your kids are angels but what one thing does your kid do that drives you crazy? Try hard just to pick one as I am sure you have many. Would love to hear your stories.

My New DFF

OK, it's midsummer and while I love my kids I am seriously considering starting my own reality show. Paris Hilton did this so it can't be all that hard. I do know some people in reality TV so this could work. I realized that this school year my goal is to really buckle down and find "the one" Oh, I am already married but to be honest I need some constant action. I am of course talking about finding a DFF (a Dad Friend Forever), starting a bromance, or whatever you would like to call it.

I've met some cool guys but I haven't found "the one" that you just click with. I need this guy for outings. I rarely like to go to any kid related public activity without a wing man. Except that in this scenario bro is watching your other two kids while the third joyously runs away into the most crowded area with limited visibility.

I've hung out with dads who have lost their kids in such places one who was given a stern look by a docent because he was encumbered by a stroller that was not capable for off-roading while his daughter quickly disappeared like Speedy Gonzalez. When I am at The Please Touch museum I am playing defense like I am playing ball. My knees are bent and ready to shuffle. I try to box out Heidi from yet again slipping past me which is her favorite game next to running balls out into the street. I keep my left foot pointed at Sarah and I open up my stance to wherever Heidi may be lurking. I am in position to play defense and there is no flopping here or Heidi might end up outside in the parking lot.

I need to find this guy who trusts me with his kids as much as I trust him with mine. I need a guy who likes Swamp People, drinking beer at a Hooters or playing darts talking about how much we used to be able to drink BEFORE we'd go out! Hanging with others moms is awesome. My Y Mommies in NY are unparalleled in the quality of fun I had with them. Being the only rooster in the hen house was cool but I need something more. I need a DFF and gosh darn it I am going to find one!