Thursday, January 26, 2012

Blue's Booze

After watching endless Blue's Clues re-runs on Netflix with my two daughters I wondered if after taping these episodes that Steve from Blue's Clues just goes out and gets completely hammered? I mean, after being with the kids all day and pretending and playing I know how I feel sometimes. Going to a sports bar and talking about football sometimes is the only cure. I know that knocking a few back every once in awhile helps. But this guy stands in front of a green screen all day talking to imaginary objects and pretending like he doesn't see clues only to be reminded by the kids in the audience that he is either an idiot or hard of hearing.

 I can imagine him at a bar talking to the bartender asking "Can I have a round for me and my puppy Blue here?" Does it carry over to the rest of his life? Is he singing "I just ordered a shot, I just ordered a shot, I just ordered a shot because I'm gonna get drunk"?

 I am guessing that once you break into that kid's show business that you must dial it back a little. I probably wouldn't run into Steve anywhere and think he was anyone special but a drunken escapade would mean he would again be replaced by some other plain looking guy in a striped shirt (which they did with Joe his "brother" when he left the show) Not to mention that he would lose all credibility with his audience because he would not be really smart.

After Googling Steve from Blues Clues I noticed that there were links to a rumor about him being a heroin addict or that he was dead. Both rumors are false by the way but also an indication of how society reacts to nice guys who genuinely like kids. Turns out he guest starred on Law and Order and "died" on the show so it would be easy for a kid to see that and not understand that it wasn't reality. So, if you see Steve at a bar buy him a shot of tequila,find a lime, thank him for his ability to keep our kids attention for 30 minutes, and find Mr. Salt.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Ric Flair, I need your help...

Does anyone know a good way to trim your baby's nails? Heidi is ridiculously strong when it comes to this fun little chore. I seriously have to put her in a Ric Flair armbar just to isolate her hand. What is it about kids at this age? Any invasion of personal space and they freak out. I can understand when it is the doctor. That dude is all up in your grill, poking you with stuff. I'm your know I am not going to hurt you but when you squirm like a bucking bronco, I just may take a chunk out of your little finger. Yet, on the flipside, Heidi will stick her grubby little fingers in my mouth, up my nose, and even in my eye and laugh! If I don't figure a good way to calm her down, her Hulk Hogan eye rake is going to blind me.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Duck Soup

Man, homework is hard. I mean my son's homework is hard. He's only in first grade and I am not looking forward to second grade math. I was never very good at math and I didn't enjoy it. Going up the the blackboard when you don't know what you are doing turns into a long walk. I can tell you exactly who my junior high and high school math teachers are just because I felt that animosity towards them even though now I know they were just trying to help me. My 7th and 8th grade math teacher was Mrs. Levine. She looked and talked like Jerry wonder I was confused. Looking back now I think she was trying to do a bit about fractions. You ever wonder why fractions are the way they are? Where do they get off? They are not even whole numbers!

I have to say that for me personally, Geometry was a waste of time. My high school geometry teacher, Mr. Kendrick used to say "It's so easy, it's like duck soup" I still don't know what the heck that means. To me, making duck soup seems pretty hard. There's that bill to deal with and duck can get overcooked easily. Why didn't he just say chicken soup? Chicken soup is easy. Being able to prove that a triangle is a triangle has never applied to my life in any way. As an artist, I have drawn many triangles but thankfully never had to explain WHY it was a triangle.

First grade math has made me felt validated. I am able to help my son with his word problems and his addition and subtraction. I gather that I will be able to multiply and divide as well and MAYBE be able to do some fractions...but at some point I am going to be way in over my head. Thankfully we now have Umi Zoomi which has taught me a lot about math. When my daughter says that I am Bot I am not sure if I should take it as a compliment because of his rotund size but I do enjoy the fact that he can show you just about anything on his Belly Belly Belly Screen. Sure could have used Bot in Kendrick's class. Now that would have made it duck soup!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Successfully Hiding S#*! from my Daughter

My daughter is a brilliant artist. She should be on the Next Great Artist show for the amount of quality pieces she cranks out. She can sit for hours uninterrupted and cut and paste an amazing masterpiece. I LOVE it. As an art teacher who taught little kids to high school kids I can see the massive energy of imagination working in her. The problem is, she has inherited my artistic pack ratness. The aftermath of her creative time is mired in scraps of paper that seemingly to me hold no importance but when I try to clean up and she see a scrap in the recycling she freaks out! My wife plays dumb when she is caught and says "Oh, I didn't know you needed that, sorry" and secretly laughs to herself for the other fifty pieces she buried under last night's chicken.

There is obviously a stealth in this that I have not mastered yet. I get it. I keep EVERYTHING. You never know when you are going to need that right? It is a hard habit to break. The problem is, and we all know this, is that you can't keep every little cute thing they make. You should however keep certain things, like notes that they write to you, their first report card, and creative moments that are just too sweet to throw away. My wife is more calculating and I am more of a sentimental sap so it is hard for me to say goodbye to some of these things. We already have a plastic bin full of Adam's firsts and it makes sense to me that hey, I better ween some of these things out because he is only in 1st grade! His first grade math homework I will pass on but the note saying "Dear Daddy, You are a great Dad. Keep up the good work. Love, Adam" is something I will cherish forever.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Inbox Tebowed!

My wife is right. There aren't many things that I like to do. Dishes, laundry, the grocery name it, I don't want to do it. I mean, I DO do it but I take no joy in doing it. I guess I don't look at my everyday duties as something I really enjoy. I don't wake up to five overflowing laundry baskets and say "Hell yeah! I can't WAIT to do this!" If I had to make a comparison of what my life is like I would compare it to my wife's corporate job. Any job has these persistent issues and nowadays people fire off an email without thinking about it first. My wife and many other people I am sure, get bombarded with emails. Most of the time she spends an entire night dealing with hundreds of emails only to wake up the next day to a hundred more. I equate this phenomena to my endless need to do laundry. We all prioritize emails. We take care of important issues first and put others on the backburner. I bet sometimes you just wash only your underwear or do an emergency load because pretty soon you are going to have to go commando if you don't do something about it. Most of the time I don't mind tackling my inbox. I throw in it the wash, then the dryer, and back into the laundry basket. This is where my inbox become clogged. I hate the folding and the putting away. I know it is necessary but lots of times it is going to sit in my inbox read. I don't know why I do this but just like any other job there are things you don't enjoy about it. I LOVE playing with my kids (most of the time) but sometimes I wish that my inbox would get Tebowed. You know, piles of laundry building up, you have nothing left to wear, and boom! Tim Tebow comes out of nowhere and gets it all done for you and put away.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Baby Workout

Check out this link. I often do baby, toddler, and big kid bench press depending on your level. I am glad that I am not the only one that does this workout.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Don't assume

Just had a negative experience that I had to share with you. My wife and I are getting the interior of the house painted and a handyman suggested I contact a local company. I contacted them and met with the owner who came to the house. I walked through the house talking about what we wanted done and he later sent me a quote through email. At the time, my wife was home because she was sick so she also had input and asked him some questions. He took all my information including my home, cell, my wife's cell etc. We scheduled the work to be done and they were supposed to start Monday at 8 am. 8 am rolls around and no crew. Owner tries to contact foreman of job and no answer. The owner states that at the very least he should have called the day before to confirm yet I received no call. Turns out he did call. He called my wife's cell phone and left one message. We sent an email asking why her cell phone was called and not mine and he told us that our initial call was from my wife. BULLCRAP. Turns out they called my wife's cell because they assumed that they were dealing with my wife and not me even though I was the only one communicating with them via email and phone.

It is something to think about if you own a business or a service that deals with something in one's home. With roles changing everyday in who is working and staying at home just don't assume that it is the wife that is staying at home and the husband at work. I am meeting more and more stay at home dads and you need to save yourself from the embarrassing mistake these guys made by assuming that it was the wife who needed to be contacted. How about just calling the home phone and leaving a message for Mr. AND Mrs. So and So? Part of the onus is on the owner who met with me in person and KNEW that I was a stay at home dad. He seemed to be listening to everything I shared with him about my kids and staying at home but clearly this was not communicated to his crew. In his case he forwarded an email and did not meet with his foreman in person to delegate the job. Don't say you are 100% service minded and then commit an epic mistake by not relaying the information you learned from your client. Times are changing and if you want to keep my business make sure you address that in the future.

I know that this happens all the time with women. I don't know anything about cars but I am sure it is just as frustrating when you do and you go to get something done and they close minded people pander to you. Don't assume that we are typical men or women because we aren't. Anyone else have an experience like this?