Thursday, August 18, 2011

You Smelt It, You Change It

I have officially become one of THOSE people. I used to hate THOSE people. I thought it was disgusting. What I have learned though is that the only real way to ensure your baby has a dookie in her diaper is to lift her by the armpits, turn her around, and give her butt a good sniff. Have you seen the trailer for the movie where the mom asks the little boy if he has chocolate or poop on his fingers and then she tastes it to make sure? Yeah, parents do some DISGUSTING stuff.

Honestly though, sniffing my baby's behind like I am a bloodhound in Shitshank Redemption is the only way to ensure that I know Mr. Brown has come to town. It will look strange to people to see a grown man hoisting his offspring in the air like he was presenting Simba to the pride only to take a big, old whiff of her backside. I have been fooled one too many times by baby gas or the other kids dealing one out only to find a mysterious vacancy in my baby's diaper. How many times have you said this: "I could have sworn I smelled poop!"

If you have tried to change my baby you will know why I am a butt sniffer. She is more difficult to change than it would be to ride a bucking bronco who is having an epilleptic fit. She doesn't hold still and if you have seen my other posts about this, poop has a tendency to go where it wants. Think back to Jeff Goldblum explaining Chaos Theory in Jurassic Park. Shit finds a way. Huggies makes these wild claims like "no leak" but it is just not possible. I hate getting faked out by baby gas for this reason. It's hella hard to get her changed. You would think a guy who is 6'7", 228 lbs could wrassle a baby of 8 months. She has more moves than Rey Mysterio and I am pretty sure she tried to 619 me. If you don't know wrestling, look it up. For this reason I will continue to be one of those people. A dirty diaper butt sniffer and proud of it!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

V Day

Tomorrow is V Day. No it is not the ever important Valentine's Day but rather Vasectomy Day. It's a little scary to think that tomorrow, someone is going to cut open my junk, pull on my vas deferens and sew them closed. I face this day with a mixed bag of emotions. First, I have to think about how good God was to me and my wife and how blessed I am to have three beautiful children all of whom are healthy and special in their own ways. For that reason, I know having kids is a special kind of experience. You can tell people who are going to have kids or thinking about having kids that it will change them in ways you can't describe. It's a feeling that you can look back on and remember the high and low points of having a baby and think, I am never going to experience that again.

And that is when I this really it? Is this the end of my run? I guess this is what Brett Favre was thinking when he retired those three times. It did take some convincing of my wife, a career woman who never thought she would want kids, to get her to come to the dark side. Obviously, I have some power and influence there and unlike Favre, I threw conceptions and not incompletes. But unlike Favre there will be no press conference or cell phone pictures to follow. However if you see me walking like I just rode a horse into town, give me a high five or pat me on the ass for a job well done beacause tomorrow, I retire my boys for good. No, I am not kidding Favre. For good. It's permanent. I will be retired.