Thursday, March 24, 2011

Potty Dance

What is with my kids? They continually hold their pee in and wait until the last second to make the mad dash for the potty. They dance around doing the potty dance until my wife and I ask "Do you have to go potty?" Of course they always reply "I don't have to go!" 1 minute later, a pee trail to the bathroom, and a toilet with sopping wet underpants abandoned in front of it and I get my answer. Yes, I did have to go potty but I am so not letting you have the satisfaction of knowing that I had to go.

I thought that once I taught my kids how to go on the big potty that these kinds of accidents were behind us. No pun intended. Now, I can't go anywhere without a back up pair of underwear in the hopper and at least a backup outfit. My daughter changes so many times you would think that she is hosting the Oscars. I have instituted the "Go before you Go" rule. You are not allowed to leave anywhere without first "going". I have limited water intake at night. I have scheduled regular potty trips, but still they wait. I am thinking that I must somehow demonstrate the beauty of a good #1. Maybe exaggerating by leaning my hand against the bathroom wall and loudly exclaiming "Oh man, this feels so good" when they are within earshot. Maybe I should take them to a Cubs game only for my son to experience "The Trough" and to hear the exultations of drunk baseball fans who have been holding it through eight innings of Old Style.

For my daughter, maybe seeing an insane line for the woman's room would teach her that you are not going to always have an open potty available. I mean, she has four to choose from and always runs to the worst possible choice. I have peed my pants only once in public. It was at grade school and I had to walk to the nurses' office to borrow some loaner pants. They were polyester, and checked and they had to the cinched with a huge brown belt. Loaner pants. I never did that again. Even as an adult I will know where my bathrooms are. Forget the exits in a theatre. Did you scope out where the john is? Then I am golden. I just wish they would get with the program too.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Lip Smackers...a gateway drug?

Sure, my baby can’t read. But you know what? I am glad. Don’t get me wrong I love the E*Trade baby as much as the next guy. But if my 11 week old daughter started asking me for a ride to the mall to meet up with her friends I would probably freak. What is it with these commercials about teaching your baby to read at 6 months old? We spend too much time in this life trying to push our kids to grow up faster than they really should. I read in the Wall Street Journal the other day how girls as young as 8 start wanting to apply makeup and that this trend starts with allowing them to try flavored lip gloss as early as age 3. Flavored lip balm is the gateway drug to girls wearing makeup? Then my girls are not allowed to have Lip Smackers anytime soon. The article points out that you don’t want to freak out about it. My time as a high school teacher has taught me this lesson; the more you fight your kids on not doing something for any particular reason the more likely they will find a way to do it. The article preaches that you want your kids, if they are going to wear makeup to go the natural route. Wal-Mart is selling a line called geoGirl with natural ingredients and no harsh chemicals that lots of makeup has. Still, the average monthly spending on beauty products by 8-12 year old girls is $9.20. Seems like a lot right? Your kids are going to be interested in and wearing things that you probably don’t like at some point. Although I can’t understand the desire to want a giant glittery word like PINK or JUICY scrawled across my backside but girls seem to like this for some reason. I can see it now in a conversation at the mall "OMG, that guy is totally looking at my butt!" Girls, let me tell you from a dad's opinion: IT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVE A GOLD ROAD SIGN ON YOUR REAR! If your kid is not doing said thing that you don't want them to do then more than likely someone else’s kid is. Soon enough you will be having that “Would you jump off a bridge discussion” with your daughter. Just remember girls, just because it says couture in gold letters doesn’t make it so. Girls, take your time growing up it is just hard on us dads to see you grow up so fast. I have to go, my baby just dropped a hot stock tip in her diapers, so it looks like I have some time yet.