Thursday, December 22, 2011

Happy Birthday

So, our "baby" turned one yesterday. I don't have to check the infant box when I check her in at the Y and I don't have to refer to her as so many months old.
She tore into the cupcake and licked her fingers like a pro. I guess that some things are just instinctual. Of all the things she got from her birthday she was most interested in a musical card. Just goes to show you that going overboard for a kid's first birthday party is not necessary unless you want to. We love you Heidi and remember your birth like it was yesterday. Thanks for waiting until AFTER the Bears game to come into this world, Daddy appreciated that. Congratulations to my wife too. We survived another infant even though I know you will probably get teary eyed thinking about it just remember they will ALWAYS be our babies.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Elf on the Shelf

I just read another blog about Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies.

Funny stuff but what I feel I must say in return is that why would I want my kids to only behave three months out of the year because of a doll that watches for naughty behavior when I can teach them to be good 12 months out of the year? To think that people dedicate all their time to making this Elf real makes me wonder just where in the heck are they finding time for this stuff? Even just making a list of things you can do with the Elf seems like a colossal waste of time.

I commented on my friend's FB who posted this on her profile and she apparently deleted my comment. I guess it is because I am not Pro-Elf. Sorry, but I think that the best judge for who is naughty or nice should be the parents. We do all the work so why does Santa and this freaky position changing elf get all the credit? In our house Santa gets the kids things they need like toothbrushes and underwear. He's the go to guy when someone needs new socks not because his elves slaved away making tiny plastic parts in the frozen north.

Now I realize that doing something like this feeds into the magic of the season. I do talk about Santa a little bit but I never say anything like "Don't stick your sister's Barbie in the toilet because Santa won't bring you a Harry Potter Lego set" The Elf on the Shelf was created by two people in 2005 and they have made loads of money off this idea. I understand why I just find it baffling. I definitely think that a study is in order. I see a control group with Elves on Shelves, a placebo group with other things on shelves and a group of kids whose parents just teach them right from wrong and about consequences. Hmmm...I wonder . Merry Christmas everyone!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

If it were socially acceptable...

Heidi is a week away from being one. It is winter and in the morning it can be 30-40 degrees outside. My morning consists of getting the kids ready for school, lunches, breakfast, and going to the bus on time. After that, I drive to the Y to workout. While at the Y, I have a two hour window before Heidi will have her morning bottle before taking another nap. So it makes sense to me to keep her in her PJs. So, sometimes I leave her in her fleece footed pajamas. SO WHAT!

Listen, people, these things are super warm. Trying to dress a baby that doesn't like her diaper changed is not so fun. Wake the kid up, give her some breakfast, and throw on a coat over her pajamas. She's a baby, she is not going to work on Wall Street. Give me a break. You don't have to say "Are you still in your jammies?" or "Did you just wake up?" No biotches, Daddy is just lazy and putting pants on a kid who is just going back to sleep in an hour is cutting into my squat time. I don't bust on your kid because he is wearing a Batman cape to school everyday. I don't ask you if you celebrate Halloween year round. You let him because it's cute and eventually they will lose that cuteness and become cute for different reasons.

Honestly, if it were socially acceptable I would wear footie pajamas all day. Maybe a track suit version with three stipes down the sides? Those things would keep my necessary parts warm son! Granted, they are not the most attractive article of clothing but people buy Snuggies right? Those are basically footie pajamas without feet. I know that Heidi is not going to be wearing these things forever and that this will fall by the wayside with the white onesie soon but for now it is working for us. Doubt me? Just try snuggling up with a baby in one of will make you hypnotically sleepy. Nothing like a warm baby on a cold winter's morning.

Monday, December 12, 2011

I Wanna Hold Your Hand

Everyday my 6 year old son gets off the bus and everyday he grabs for my hand to walk him home. Part of me looks at the bus and he getting too old for this? I say "Heck no." He's my special little boy and I am going to hold his hand as long as I can. I realize that one day he is not going to want to hold my hand so I am going to savor all the chances I get to hold his.

As our "baby" gets older (she will be 1 year old in 9 days!) it is a little tough to admit that our kids aren't going to be babies anymore and that we are passing that part of our lives. I guess technically they will always be our babies but Adam, who is 6 and Sarah who is 4 don't like being called babies. I guess it is all that emphasis on being a big girl or big boy and letting them do things on their own. For now however, I will enjoy the hand holding while I can.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Baby Drinking Games

One of the first things I did with all three of my kids when they were first learning to drink out of a sippy cup was to teach them how to cheers. The babies loved it because they could bang their cup against your cup and usually it would make a cool sound if you were using a glass. I further incorporated the word "cup" or "cheers" each time they would drink. Heidi has really taken to this and when sitting at the dinner table will repeatedly say cup until I pick up my glass and cheers her. She won't redo it until I actually drink however which lead me to think that I could really use this to my advantage by creating a drinking game called Drink Baby Drink!!.

My years of study at ISU taught me that when someone "cheers" you you have to drink so it is only natural that this came about. In Drink Baby Drink there are only three rules: You have to drink when your baby cheers your cup. You have to drink if the baby says cup or what you think is the equivalent to cup. Thusly, your baby will get you drunk in no time. Heidi only really says "cat" and "cup" so I am good to go. Oh, and the occasional "dada" but I think she is just trying to get my attention to pick up my cup.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Lego Equality!

As a stay at home dad of two young girls I have to say why is there no Lego product line for girls? I personally would like to see some Lego equality in the brands that are available. I am truly surprised that Lego has not struck a deal with Disney creating a Lego Princess line for girls older than 5. I realize that Lego Duplo offers chunky Dora sets and other sets that limit their focus to playhouses, stables, and supermarkets. While I understand them offering these options at a young age why is it that you can walk down a Lego aisle and only find one pink lego set? The Lego Harry Potter, Pirates of the Carribean, and Toy Story are universal but wouldn't it be nice to offer sets like female engineers, architects, doctors etc? I realize also that Legos need not be pink to be used by girls but it would be nice to see a Lego Princess line or a line geared towards professions. Why limit the scope of young girls? Legos are a great eye-hand coordination activity and they foster creativity as well. Sarah is super into Legos now that she no longer eats them and I suspect that given Adam's influence it will carry over to Heidi. Combining the Lego brand with the Disney Princess brand seems like a no brainer to me and a major money maker I would assume but maybe I am just looking out for my girls. Lego Equality Now!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Spontaneous Laughter

Is there anything more infectious than your kid just busting out and laughing? Heidi has started to do this at 11 months old and all I can think of is Beavis and Butthead. Yeah! Formula. Kick ass! This is going to be cool. He he he he.

I especially love those deep belly laughs. Today, she pointed to herself in the car and said "cat" which is what she calls just about everything and then she started laughing hysterically. Staying at home is a tough. More than once this week I have thought about what it would be like to go back to work teaching at some school nearby and then Heidi has to go and do something cute and remind me of what I would be missing out on. Darn you Heidi. They keep pulling me back in and I can't resist.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


I consider myself a pretty strong guy. I work out three times a week, lift weights and have never met a pickle jar I couldn't open. So why is it that my 11 month daughter can overpower me? Heidi summons super strength at the worst possible time. It usually is mid-wipe of a nasty poop that has decided to creep up her back. She turns more violently than a croc doing a death roll and yet, I still cannot change her diaper without incident. You would think that babies would be into someone taking care of their nether regions but once I put her on the changing table she immediately freaks out. So I try to pin her down with one arm while attempting a change with the other but once she sees her opening, it's death roll time. I guess it is that fight or flight instinct that is ingrained in each of us. She is fighting for survival I suppose and doesn't want to be on her back for any given moments in time. It's completely my wife's side of the family because they always need to Go, Go, Go. I just wish sometimes it was I just went, went, went and I need to relax, relax, relax. I try to think if I were in her shoes how would I want this to go down. I guess some relaxing music might distract me but my rendition of Itsy, Bitsy Spider as my go to song is probably not the best choice for a soothing changing song. Just you wait Heidi. When it's my turn to be in diapers there is going to be payback.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Praise the Inventors

You just ran to the grocery store and your cart is chock full. Your daughter, who you saw go to the bathroom not 30 minutes ago is doing the potty dance in the aisle. You know her standard response "I don't have to go" but you know that it is coming. A trip to the bathroom wouldn't be that bad except that your 10 month old loves putting EVERYTHING in her mouth. Luckily, most stores don't put water cookies in the urinals but everything in there is disgusting and your baby, as Ruxin on The League states "will forever me unclean!" I mean, who wants to kiss a baby on the face when her fingers have been purusing the seat where some hourly employeed spent the last twenty minutes on his break?

That is why I say "Praise the inventors!" You have to love the jump seat that stores are starting to put in bathrooms. A five point harness that essentially pins your baby to the wall away from anything they can touch? Genius! This is a thing of beauty because you have suddenly become hands free and can help your daughter successfully navigate the pitfalls of the public restroom. I first saw this seat in a Wegmans grocery store and just today saw one in a Acme grocery store. KUDOS to you guys for being forward thinking. Even better? Wegmans installed flip up steps so kids don't have to cliffhanger the sink just to wash their hands.

Thanks inventors for being considerate of us parents with kids in tow and thanks for the closer parking spaces. You rock!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Future Princess

My daughter, Sarah was asked at pre-school what she wanted to be when she grew up. She answered "A princess!" They traced their silhouettes out on butcher paper and hung them up in the classroom. Some people may groan at this but not me. If you have daughters you have undoubtedly been inundated with the Disney Princess culture. Every store carries every imaginable princess item from socks to pencils to toothbrushes. Fact is, it is great marketing. Unfortunately in the media there isn't many Supergirls to look up to and no cartoons that I can think of other than Wordgirl that demonstrate that a girl can be smart AND tough.

Many of you have probably read Peggy Orenstein's "Cinderella Ate My Daughter" and while these portrayals in the long run may hurt our daughters I say embrace your little princess while you can. It's cute and your daughter will love playing princess with her Daddy King. Being a teacher who has taught K-8 kids and later high school kids that transformation from your little princess to hardened Daria-type teenager may eventually happen. What is important now is that you establish a bond that will transgress time and maintain that bond with your daughter through the years.

My favorite princess is Belle because she loves books, believes in the good in all people, and she is an independent thinker. You can take what you see are good attributes in these princesses and highlight what is important. Listen, every girl loves to be a princess. It starts with prom, cotillions, weddings etc. Millions of grown women who tuned into the Royal Wedding at 3-4 in the morning can't be wrong. There is just something about that fairytale mystique that draws us in. It's true that media portrays a false sense of identity for women today. Lots of girls will look at themselves and compare what they see with what they think society is deemed beautiful. It's our job to stress to our daughters that it is important to be ourselves and not change because other people want us to look a certain way.

In the meantime, I am going to enjoy my little princess while I can and even though she won't want me to call her that in 10 years at least I can think of this time we have together in our royal court.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

What's your legacy?

Adam likes to play this game where you give three clues and other people need to guess what the object is that includes those three things. This morning his clues are : It's tall, it farts a lot and has big farts, and is gigantic. I didn't raise my hand because I knew what it was...a troll right? No, Sarah guesses Daddy, and is right! What the hell? How about some other clues like: He wipes my ass, he makes sure I have clean underwear, or he plays with us? I guess I need to re-access my priorities. Clearly I am not getting through to these kids. Back to the drawing board. Operation Dad's image must be addressed.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Playdate Ettiquette: A Man's Survival Guide

Playdates, they are kind of like actual dates only for kids. I really hate this term because when I was a kid we just called it playing. We used to just call up friends on the rotary phone and say "Hey Brian, can you play?" "I'll ask my mom...MOM! CAN I GO PLAY AT CHRIS' HOUSE? I'll be right over." I mean this happpened when I was old enough to call on the phone but I don't really remember (though I am sure it happened) my mom carting me over to a friends' house for a couple of hours.

Note: Of all of the playdates I have had with my kids I have only had one bad experience. All of the moms whom I interacted with in Rochester, NY were awesome and accomodating to a new stay at home dad. So to Shea, Melissa, Amy, Michelle,Tracy,Patty and Heather, thanks for showing me the ropes.

All playdates that I have had with other stay at home dads were awesome. Finding another Dad is key. To Dave, Steve, Luis, and Todd, thanks for the support, the subs, and the man time. These are the opportunites to talk about the stuff that some stay at home moms don't have an opinion on.

So, if you are new to this whole "playdate" concept let me give you some advice:

1.Don't take offense: 

 You're a dude. Most of the parents who stay at home are moms. They may feel weird about dropping their kid off at your house for two hours when they hardly know you. Not to mention that you may or may not be a gigantic scary looking human being to their small child. It's all about comfort levels.

2. Keep it neutral : 

Choosing your house for the "first date" is going way too fast. Meet up somewhere public like a playground so if it doesn't go well there is no pressure to reciprocate.

3. Set a time limit: 

Standard times are 2 hours for kids who can sustain play by themselves without parent interaction. This may include your child if they are 4 and up. Kids who are younger than 4, trust me, an hour is going to be plenty.

4. Set parameters : 

Talk to the other parent about expectations if they are coming to your house. Give them a time to drop off and pick up. Once, I didn't do this and the parent showed up 3 hours later. Apparently, she went to see a movie that she didn't have time for usually and thought that was acceptable.

5. Exchange digits : 

If parents are dropping off make sure you have cell phone and home phone in case something happens. Also, make sure that they have yours in case they get stuck in traffic or hung up somewhere.

6. Ask questions : 

Ask the parent if the playdate has any allergies or restrictions. Maybe they don't eat a certain kind of food or are deathly allergic to something you think is commonplace.

7. Don't be offended: 

 If the parent that you invited to the playground suddenly has her friends show up by "surprise" let it go. She wasn't sure of you my friend and having backup to talk to about girl stuff will probably make her more comfortable not to mention that you just met more stay at home moms. Everyone wins and while you are comfortable with other kids they may not be until they know you more.

8. Pay attention : 

Watch the interaction between your kid's new "friend". Does this kid share? Do they play well together? Does the kid offer to clean up without issue? Does the new friend scream when it is time for it to be over? These can all be things that make or break the playdate.

9. Chat her up: 

Don't talk about football constantly. You may want to get her take on whether Julio Jones is going to score any fantasy points for you this week but that is not good form. Ask her about her family and share information about yours. While the kids are getting to know each other so should you.

10. Give it some time:

Kids will rarely get along perfectly the first time. Keep trying these public playdates or meetup at an indoor playplace. Once you become more comfortable with their child you can offer to host them at your house. Once you establish this repoire with them you can trade off dates. Eventually you will have established a routine that allows for either of you to get some time to yourself without worry.

Go forth men and make me proud!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Why Men Are In Trouble

Thursday, September 29, 2011

No You're Not

How many times a week do I hear a mom or dad issuing an empty threat? Almost daily. As I was leaving the Y the other day, I overheard a mom saying to her son who was maybe two say "Conner, it is time to go. Please follow Mommy now." Conner wasn't the slight bit interested in leaving the handrailing he was swinging on it like a monkey and it seemed he was setting up shop there for the afternoon by pretzeling his little legs and arms around the bar. After the initial direction she should have picked up that kid and carried him to her car but instead her security level rose to yellow. "Conner, Mommy really needs to be somewhere. we have to go now." Conner didn't respond. Seems to me that Conner had booked the handrailing for the rest of the afternoon. Threat level now orange...."Conner, get off that handrailing right now or there will be no treat later." Bribery. Apparently Conner had seen this all before because he didn't budge. Not even cookies is going to get me off this railing Mommy so you might as well go on without me. Threat level red, and this is my favorite one.."Conner, if you don't get off that railing right now Mommy is going to leave you here!" "Bye, Conner" and the fake walk away. No you're not. I get freaked out when I can't make visual contact with all three of my kids in a store. Don't issue empty threats. Pry that kid off the handrailing and escort him to the car. Then, tell him because of his inability to listen he loses something he cherishes. Don't offer to take away treats that you WOULD have given him if he was good. Do you want Conner to succeed in life later? Give him one warning and follow through.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

You Smelt It, You Change It

I have officially become one of THOSE people. I used to hate THOSE people. I thought it was disgusting. What I have learned though is that the only real way to ensure your baby has a dookie in her diaper is to lift her by the armpits, turn her around, and give her butt a good sniff. Have you seen the trailer for the movie where the mom asks the little boy if he has chocolate or poop on his fingers and then she tastes it to make sure? Yeah, parents do some DISGUSTING stuff.

Honestly though, sniffing my baby's behind like I am a bloodhound in Shitshank Redemption is the only way to ensure that I know Mr. Brown has come to town. It will look strange to people to see a grown man hoisting his offspring in the air like he was presenting Simba to the pride only to take a big, old whiff of her backside. I have been fooled one too many times by baby gas or the other kids dealing one out only to find a mysterious vacancy in my baby's diaper. How many times have you said this: "I could have sworn I smelled poop!"

If you have tried to change my baby you will know why I am a butt sniffer. She is more difficult to change than it would be to ride a bucking bronco who is having an epilleptic fit. She doesn't hold still and if you have seen my other posts about this, poop has a tendency to go where it wants. Think back to Jeff Goldblum explaining Chaos Theory in Jurassic Park. Shit finds a way. Huggies makes these wild claims like "no leak" but it is just not possible. I hate getting faked out by baby gas for this reason. It's hella hard to get her changed. You would think a guy who is 6'7", 228 lbs could wrassle a baby of 8 months. She has more moves than Rey Mysterio and I am pretty sure she tried to 619 me. If you don't know wrestling, look it up. For this reason I will continue to be one of those people. A dirty diaper butt sniffer and proud of it!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

V Day

Tomorrow is V Day. No it is not the ever important Valentine's Day but rather Vasectomy Day. It's a little scary to think that tomorrow, someone is going to cut open my junk, pull on my vas deferens and sew them closed. I face this day with a mixed bag of emotions. First, I have to think about how good God was to me and my wife and how blessed I am to have three beautiful children all of whom are healthy and special in their own ways. For that reason, I know having kids is a special kind of experience. You can tell people who are going to have kids or thinking about having kids that it will change them in ways you can't describe. It's a feeling that you can look back on and remember the high and low points of having a baby and think, I am never going to experience that again.

And that is when I this really it? Is this the end of my run? I guess this is what Brett Favre was thinking when he retired those three times. It did take some convincing of my wife, a career woman who never thought she would want kids, to get her to come to the dark side. Obviously, I have some power and influence there and unlike Favre, I threw conceptions and not incompletes. But unlike Favre there will be no press conference or cell phone pictures to follow. However if you see me walking like I just rode a horse into town, give me a high five or pat me on the ass for a job well done beacause tomorrow, I retire my boys for good. No, I am not kidding Favre. For good. It's permanent. I will be retired.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Been away for too long

Yikes. I haven't posted on here since May? Busy summer with us moving and all. Baby is growing up fast and I haven't had nearly enough time to dedicate it to writing. Damn you Frontierville, you sucked me in and now you have some sort of weird hold on me. Well, I wanted to announce that I am back up running with about 3 months worth of material to post. Summer resolution for Fall, post more.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Babies: Like Grenades or Crack?

There are two ways one can react to a new baby. Either you are eager to hold it or you will avoid it at any cost. As we prepare for the move to Philly, my wife and I travelled to her new office to visit the co-workers there. In a random sampling of 15 people most of whom were women, a majority eagerly awaited their turn to hold the baby. The women were visibly excited often emitting a mild shriek of sheer joy at the thought of holding Heidi. The men on the other hand avoided her in any way, shape, or form. Babies to women are like crack; to men they are a grenade and the pin has been pulled. In most cases when offered to hold the baby the men backed away like she was a cornered raccoon. The thing that strikes me as funny about this is that these are guys who have kids. They know HOW to hold a baby but they just don’t WANT to hold a baby. I guess partially it is because they don’t want to be the one that makes the baby cry or accidently drop her in front of witnesses. When it is your kid it seems to not matter because hey, it’s your kid and if you drop him and later in life they fail algebra then it’s on you.
When it came to the women holding the baby or at least making some kind of contact with the baby it didn’t matter if they had kids, were thinking of one day having kids, or have just ever seen a kid. There was definitely no holding back for the women in the office. When I used to work in a high school and people would bring their new babies in while they were on maternity leave word would spread like wildfire. You would hear on the way to the lunchroom “Did you hear so and so’s baby is here? I’ve got to get down there and get my turn holding her!” As a single guy at the time I didn’t understand why women would sacrifice their paltry 20 minutes of lunch time just to hold a baby. Of course, I was more interested in loading up on carbs than baby crack but then I see guys now and I still see the same reaction.
As men, we acknowledge that YES, it is a baby and we say something like “She’s cute” and immediately slink way like she is the soup Nazi. We seem to think she’s cute from a distance but the instant you hand her over to us, our internal hot potato clock kicks in. Babies have a tendency to be ticking time bombs in that they will at some point be emitting something foul in your general direction. Maybe as a stay at home dad I will change this perception. The fact is, babies are only babies for a short time and there is no other substitute for holding one. I hope that when my kids are grown I jump at the chance to hold anyone’s baby. So next time a baby is thrown your way guys jump right in there. You never know, you could become addicted.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Potty Dance

What is with my kids? They continually hold their pee in and wait until the last second to make the mad dash for the potty. They dance around doing the potty dance until my wife and I ask "Do you have to go potty?" Of course they always reply "I don't have to go!" 1 minute later, a pee trail to the bathroom, and a toilet with sopping wet underpants abandoned in front of it and I get my answer. Yes, I did have to go potty but I am so not letting you have the satisfaction of knowing that I had to go.

I thought that once I taught my kids how to go on the big potty that these kinds of accidents were behind us. No pun intended. Now, I can't go anywhere without a back up pair of underwear in the hopper and at least a backup outfit. My daughter changes so many times you would think that she is hosting the Oscars. I have instituted the "Go before you Go" rule. You are not allowed to leave anywhere without first "going". I have limited water intake at night. I have scheduled regular potty trips, but still they wait. I am thinking that I must somehow demonstrate the beauty of a good #1. Maybe exaggerating by leaning my hand against the bathroom wall and loudly exclaiming "Oh man, this feels so good" when they are within earshot. Maybe I should take them to a Cubs game only for my son to experience "The Trough" and to hear the exultations of drunk baseball fans who have been holding it through eight innings of Old Style.

For my daughter, maybe seeing an insane line for the woman's room would teach her that you are not going to always have an open potty available. I mean, she has four to choose from and always runs to the worst possible choice. I have peed my pants only once in public. It was at grade school and I had to walk to the nurses' office to borrow some loaner pants. They were polyester, and checked and they had to the cinched with a huge brown belt. Loaner pants. I never did that again. Even as an adult I will know where my bathrooms are. Forget the exits in a theatre. Did you scope out where the john is? Then I am golden. I just wish they would get with the program too.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Lip Smackers...a gateway drug?

Sure, my baby can’t read. But you know what? I am glad. Don’t get me wrong I love the E*Trade baby as much as the next guy. But if my 11 week old daughter started asking me for a ride to the mall to meet up with her friends I would probably freak. What is it with these commercials about teaching your baby to read at 6 months old? We spend too much time in this life trying to push our kids to grow up faster than they really should. I read in the Wall Street Journal the other day how girls as young as 8 start wanting to apply makeup and that this trend starts with allowing them to try flavored lip gloss as early as age 3. Flavored lip balm is the gateway drug to girls wearing makeup? Then my girls are not allowed to have Lip Smackers anytime soon. The article points out that you don’t want to freak out about it. My time as a high school teacher has taught me this lesson; the more you fight your kids on not doing something for any particular reason the more likely they will find a way to do it. The article preaches that you want your kids, if they are going to wear makeup to go the natural route. Wal-Mart is selling a line called geoGirl with natural ingredients and no harsh chemicals that lots of makeup has. Still, the average monthly spending on beauty products by 8-12 year old girls is $9.20. Seems like a lot right? Your kids are going to be interested in and wearing things that you probably don’t like at some point. Although I can’t understand the desire to want a giant glittery word like PINK or JUICY scrawled across my backside but girls seem to like this for some reason. I can see it now in a conversation at the mall "OMG, that guy is totally looking at my butt!" Girls, let me tell you from a dad's opinion: IT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVE A GOLD ROAD SIGN ON YOUR REAR! If your kid is not doing said thing that you don't want them to do then more than likely someone else’s kid is. Soon enough you will be having that “Would you jump off a bridge discussion” with your daughter. Just remember girls, just because it says couture in gold letters doesn’t make it so. Girls, take your time growing up it is just hard on us dads to see you grow up so fast. I have to go, my baby just dropped a hot stock tip in her diapers, so it looks like I have some time yet.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


My baby can't read, but do you know what she can do? She can smile. Heidi is 2 months old today and she can already smile. It takes fourteen muscles working together to make a smile. Isn’t that just awesome? She hears our voices and smiles! Man, kids grow up fast. I can't wait to see what she does new every week. I can't believe it has already been 2 months. Think about your kids today and all the things they do to make you smile, then pass that smile along to someone who needs it.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


My baby can’t read and that doesn’t bother me. Do you know why it doesn’t bother me? It is because my baby can do so many other things. It’s amazing to me to think that once we enter this life the first thing we do is cry and the second thing is we want to eat. Have you ever seen a baby react to the smell of breast milk? They can smell their moms when they are in the room. I liken this to my son’s uncanny ability to smell pizza from a distance or how I get when I smell short ribs. My eyes roll back into my head very Homeresque, the cartoon not the writer, mmmmm short ribs. Combine a baby’s ability to smell food with their large dark eyes and to me, they remind me of sharks. Put a bottle of breast milk near Heidi and her eyes get wide her mouth opens, revealing her serrated rows of teeth, and she clamps on for dear life. Ok, she doesn’t have rows of teeth but those gums can be just as bad. Breast feeding moms can I get an Amen? Breast milk in the room is like chumming for sharks in the ocean. I think we’re gonna need a bigger bottle.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Making her mark

You can spot a new parent a mile away. It’s neither the bags under their eyes nor the glassy look on their faces that gives them away. It’s the stains on their shoulders. Left there like some forensic evidence that clearly, we are out of our damn minds. It may appear as if a bird mercilessly dive bombed us on the way in the grocery store like a scene out of Alfred Hitchcock. It may also look like we are the carnie sick-mopper on a miniature version of the tilt-o-whirl. In reality we have spent night and day tending to the care of feeding machine whose sole mission seems to be an endless cycle of what I used to do in college: sleep, eat, drink, puke. Babies do smell good but I’ll tell you what doesn’t…baby puke. If you have ever worked in a stock room when you had to stock milk you know that smell. Sour milk. It still amazes me that Heidi will eat and an hour later, like a cow chewing its cud, she returns my deposit. It doesn’t matter that you have a burp cloth on your shoulder either. You know that baby is going right off the reservation and making her mark on the only exposed fabric on your shirt. It’s not her that needs the bib, it’s me.